Summer Rainbow

I am my god

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About to fucking pop!:|

Ugh this is getting ridiculous!! I clean an cook an sit here with absolutely nothing to do an its been this way for fucking months!! But yet im apparently” always out with friends” like yeah the only times i even get to go out is when i have money to give people gas so i can go to a mother fucking drs appointment an grocery shopping. I don’t get to fucking smoke an chill with my buddies i don’tget to do shit but clean up after this ffucking pig an his fucking dad. This is bullshit, i feel really bad but im so happy to just get away from his dad i mean if this is how its going to be fuck this shit the mother fucker leaves his trash everywhere trying to live like some bachelor he gives stoners a bad rep hes the reason why they’re considered lazy an job less like wtf is this shit. Dude i feel like a bitch but im so grateful for Chris because his parents taught me that my parents are fucking amazing compared to.most his dad is sucky imean he has good intentions an some good morals but hes such a fucking asshole he’s so stupid about woman his problem is that he’s never grown up an been a real man he’s a teen elderly its ridiculous all the woman he meets in some way or another fucked him over but he doesn’t see what he himself dis to cause that he sits on his stoned ass all the time not doing shit about the life hes complaining about. His mom oh man his mother poor Chris this guys mom is a mother fucking annoying ass idiot bitch!!! She’s a bible thumper but yet she constantly contradicts herself she hates her husband shes with an only stays because he pays the bills thats pathetic he makes it to were she can’t drive get a job no health its so ridiculous oh but she loooveess him wtf is that shit. Takes care of the man’s dad while they sit there treating this women like shit atleast Chris’s dad trys to.be.nice an trys to pick up after himself hes just old an comfortable being a filthy slob is all no.woman trained his ass to pick his shit the fuck up. An even worse dude his mom constantly bugs the shit out of me about her daughter that wants nothing to do with her when frankly i want nothing to do with the daughters either their fucking stupid bitches the minute the broke one found out about Chris making good money she was hitting me up an hitting him up oh bubba i miss you then turns around an asks for.money what a bitch get a fucking job you shit head wtf are you thinking drop that tweaker ass husband an get a real life stop talking shit about your momma when your just like the bitch fucking pathetic. I feel bad but it makes me a lotmore grateful for the family i got. My brother an ssister can be fucked up an i can ignore the shit outta them for quite some time but atleast they’re not like that an at least my mom never chose drugs an dick over me. Thats just fucked up. So the woman gets upset when im over here giving my mom all this love an props an shit because of what a phenomenal woman she is asking why Chris isn’t like that an i can’t tell her the truth because then i got a bad rep with the in law an shit. An its even more fucked that this woman thinks ill send my child to her house for summers yeah as a punishment when she’s being bad an ungrateful as fuck thinking we don’t give her a anything an shit let her go to Louisiana an play thefuck real ass hunger fgames because nasty ass hillbilly Ralph likes ro buy cigarettes instead of fucking food fuck those people an that fuckinghell hole. But even more fuck this im so ffucking frustrated these last few days I know its because how pregnant I am im 3 days from my due date I haven’t done a fucking thing with any fucking body for months nobody comes around really because everyone is to busy which im not mad about because people have lives i understand that but then they’re telling me we will hang an instead going an chilling with my sister or some shit an I know it’s because im not smoking but can’t blame em I’ve done the same shit its just lame chilling with someone who doesn’t smoke so im not mad at my friends im PISSES THE FUCK OFF at Chris for getting to fo out getting to do what he wants go smoke drink fuck around an have fun while i sit here with fucking Braxton Hicks Contractions pissed the fuck off baby kicking the shit out of my bladder every time i get up it hurts every time i fucking move it hurts i hate these pregnant girl problems an even more i hate that ill have to deal with this morw after birth stiches in my vag and fucking bleeding uncomfortable bullshit for atleast 6 weeks an ugh i just basically want to turn back time to when Chris told me no on buying condoms an just call my dad to pick me up an dip on hisass so he wwould learn that he has no say on when an were i create life i love her but fuck i still wanted to party i had a horrible birthday that i w aawas so.looking forward to this year being in Vegas an have a great time i sat in my room an fucking cried because nobody came over no one did anything special the only cool thing was Chris’s dad got me my favorite cake an Ice crea. I cleaned eeveryone’s mess an I made dinner the last times anything would just be about me were wasted on others an no one even offeres to clean no one does anything but me an its so obvious that i struggle to bend over to do anything no not even a little birthday sex. I feel so.pathetic i fucking begged basically but he’s” afraid to hurt the baby” but yet 2 nights later when i get comfortable an finally fall asleep hes trying to get some this is fucked man this is so one sided this is why I kick his ass in the fucking balls an tell him im leaving I love him but at the same time i feel so unappreciated an so fucking neglected its so unbelievably unfair when hes having a hard time or he’s upset im right here supporting him holding him telling him i love him. But when im crying all night on my fucking birthday he’s dead asleep not giving a shit because he gets so stoned he can’t even notice. I hate this so much I just want my baby girl to be here so i can take care of her an live her an feel a better love then this because i hate this its not enough to tell me im beautiful its not enough to kiss me when your leaving its just not enough to simply pay the bills i need.more attention then that i feel ignored i feel fucking like shit man. My entire life is changing an it wasn’t my choice in the first place but im doing it because i could never forgive myself for killing innocent life that jad no choice like i did an it just isn’t fair to her when i know we still work things out an we can still support her it’s just as much my fault because i kept having sex with him i could’ve said no i could’veddecided to leave but i stayed i stayed because I do at times feel so loved an he is great but then there’s days like these where hes out an about an it happens a lot he goes an chills with my friends an he goes with his friens while im here doing nothing bored an sad an he wonders why i become bitchy an upset or why im crying well this is fucking why because I’ve made drastic changes in my life an you’ve made not a single one all you do is work an you’d have to do that anyway to keep a roof over your head but no instead im sitting here crying in pain an just wanting to be held an what will you be doing stumbling in drunk an high when you’re supposed to be quitting and you were supposed to help by making dinner instead i had to eat frozen crap again for the 4th night in a row i always make dinner an now im so far along that it hurts to stand an do anything ao i just lay in this bed alone wishing i had something more wishing life was just a little better. Atleast I have a cool little dog to keep me company he makes me happy but only for so long this is pathetic i talk to my dog more then my friends an i see my dog more then my husband no wonder why they say a dog is a man’s best friend hes always here an always so happy to see me I love the little fat ass he’s cool i just wish my husbandwould be as lloyal an loving an stick around long enough like thw dog does. The fucked shitabout this whole ssituation is im steadily blaming me thinking its because im fat an gross looking because i never do my make up or hair any more because all i fit in are some fucking cut off yoga shorts an a sports bra an t-shirt or because Im always in the room because its to uncomfortable an im irritable around the dumb assry of his dad an him with their fucking news all god damn day an because im not trying to have weed in my system an they insist on smoking an blowing it my way i know they don’t do it deliberately but fuck man i don’t need to be around ot when im trying o get it out my system . Hate how i feel i hate how life is an i hate that i can’t stop blaming myself when deep down i know this isn’t just me anymore. This is getting so fucked up. Im thinking of leaving with mymom when she comes to see the baby so that i sdon’t have to put up with his dads crap an his crap an my excuse will be the weed it doesn’t need to be aroundmy cchild an i don’t want to come home fro, giving labor an this asshole have messes all over that he wount clean that will piss me the fuck off!!>:\ i just think it’d be better an it’d be a reality check for Chris he will actually stop doing the shit hes doing an ill get my way. But that goes againstall my morals using our cchild as a weapon to get my way as a means of control an manipulation thats horrible that’sddisgusting an it’s just as unfair if not worse then what he’s done this entire pregnancy an i know i wount do it. Even though i want to i just can’t bring myself to separate my daughter from herfather an its not about him at all at this ppoint its about her an these first moments with her daddy i just can’t because he has worked hard an he’s around unlike most men. Ugh so much emotions an i fucking hate it:( i just wish i didn’t feel like this an i could just be happy that my little child will be here in the next week or 2 but im scared im anxious im sad an imeexcited all in one but im just fucking sad mostly because all the funnest shit about life has died right before my life an im not sure if there will be anything nearly as fun in my future yeah ill experience life again through her eyes an ill have fun with her but its not the fun im used to an it scares me. Will i ever be me again will i ever feel like its worth the change? Im just scared.

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Ugh so sick of being fucking boredsick of ccleaning after fucking nasty ass lazy ass fucking stinky stoners! !!! It’s cool an all that his dad is here but seriously hes costing us more then he’s helping hes so fucking selfish i had no clue someone could possibly actually want to see their child struggle in a life leading no where maybe hes just jealous that his own son is smarter then he was at this age. Well fuck this shit I’ll be damned if my daughter doesn’t have more or equal to what I had as a child. Exactly why I’ll do what it takes ro get in a better place in my life. Part of the reasons why i made the drastic decision of only smoking on special occasions an that wount happen for a very long time. And why when I herd that my dads company out in Texas is willing to pay for schooling for employees Im jumping on this shi. Chris has an oopportunity of becoming a Foreman making 30-50$ an hour plus benefits making a Career an his dads upset that we would leave!?!?’ Pure selfish reasons how could you not want to see your son have everything you wish you could have. And its not like hes greedy hes willing to give him everything he doesn’t have as well but none the less it doesn’t matter what he wants at this point because im going regardless of Joel or Chris my dadcalls me up an lets me know that I have an oopportunity to be put through the schooling to be a safety on these jobs id be making 20-30$ an hour to walk around making surw these men are doing the thinga they need properly and making sure that things are safe and up to code an best part of all that is I already know half the shit I need to know for this because back when my dad trained for Osha safety i was the one who helped him get this me an my mom hell im the one who took his online test because he was to busy working his ass off fuck staying in this dead end city as much as I love it an as much as i love the peoplehere tthere’s nothing I love more then this child an I need things for her if his dad wants to look down on me for doing the right thing well then that’s his fucking problem because im not letting my daughter live the fucked up ass life he let his son live an that i lived until i was 11 years old fuck that i want her to have everything i didn’t i want her to never see or hear of us fighting an struggling to pay bills like we are now Im always worried an I hate it i have debt he does to we see a way out an we’d be fools to not jump onto this opportunity its not our problem that he can’t quit smoking long enough to get a good job an hes in this position wants to blame society for this yeah ita just a plant an its just money but this is the world now an you have to do what you have to do if that means not smoking then fuck it it fucking sucks big fat ass std dicks but ita fucking life buck thefuck up an do it! Stop ssitting hating life because you struggle an do something about it. Like my dad taught me if lifes hard an you hate it then change it this sort of opportunity doesn’t come by often especially now an days in this economy its fucked an were thinking of the future were thinking of buying home buying a car not relaying on someone else having our own. An if that’s a problem to you well fuck offf then dude becausetthat’s exactly why your single its exactly why every women you’ve been with has walked out your a child an your son seen that your son learned from your mistakes an has decided that when i said enough was enough its time to grow the fuck up an do something with my life he was with me. Because i wasn’t even able to buy the things i need for my daughter without fucking government assistance anthat made me feel like shit so yeah im cchanging that shit fast after I give birth to her im moving to Texas and starting the online training tobe a safety girl an ill be working making real ass money by the time shes 5-7 months old an because im going of course chris is too(: because were with each other on this an even ifhe fails i wount i ddon’t have room for mistakes this time

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Just listening to some

2Pac snoop dogg warren g nate dog ahh my little Aurora will be too bad ass she loves this music gets to kicking like crazy I think she might be doing a crip walk in there or something its awesome she said “ain’t nuthin butah gangstaah partyy” (little baby voice) ahaha I can’t wait im 10 days away from my due date a any day now little baby just waiting on her to make an appearance

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I find it funny

How so many people gave me shit&judged me for following my heart leaving with my love. How i see it there was a fork in the road. A new path given to the one i was taking. Comming from fucking school up i was addicted to a horrible poison not just drug but i was addicted to self hate self pitty and pain I was dieing for away out. Begging my universe to give me a new option to fix my wrongs an heal my inner self my soul needed saving that only i could do. But in order to have seen that I needed someone who I would believe when they showed me this. An so the universe handed me this amazing guy who would soon turn into a man right before my eyes he showed me how i treated myself so horribly how Iddidn’t love myself an until I did he would show me all the reasons to love me an all the reasons I needed healing. Still I am not fullythere we both have flaws I teach him he is worth more then he tells himself an he teaches me all the rreasons why I deserve this new life this new found love for myself. He’s a Buddhist and I love that he tries to be more peaceful everyday and me well im just someone who believes in a grand spirit an it lives within everyone of us it flows through the wind water it is mother earth an nothing is more precious then life itself I know now that we are our creators our lives can be what we make them our minds are the most powerful entity we poses. I made bad decisions and in result I had bad things happening to me that at the time I didn’t understand an now I see why I deserved every bit of that pain because I brought it onto myself. I am as powerful as I believe an as I want to be. At that time i was so powerless to my inhibition an for some reason when I asked the universe for a way out I got my Chris he came into my life like a meteor he burns so bright with love an happiness for everything and everyone he has been through the hardest life I’ve ever herd an yet it has not got him down I think so highly of my husband because of this he hasn’t ever let any of it get him down sure he has had his hardship an he waa troubled as child but he’s stood above it all. Now becoming a dad he’s changing so much and im falling in deeper love then I ever thought I feel something with him ive never felt with anyone in my life before him. But yet this is so familiar because we’ve fallen intothis ao fast asince we met that summer night back in 2012 at a 711 we’ve been inseparable laying on my trampoline staring at the stars drinking all the codeine we could talking until we fell asleep falling in love faster then we could ever imagine I now believe in something so grand because of this feeling I thought id never get still i feel like teenagers. When others see us they know we have real love an we arw not the type to be all over each other its just in how we communicate how he looks at me an how i smile at him the world around us has become ao beautiful my grandfather warned me of something like this when i was just a child he told meid find ssomeone that would make me feel like i was flying all the time make me feel crazy and so in love that when he was gone id be lost for all eternity. He was right he said it was a soul mate he had his my grandma Caballero he loved her more then he loved himself an he told me when the man walked into my life to teach me what real love was an healed all the broken hearts before him I’d know he was mine id know he was my soul mate an he is my dad an mom can see how dedicated he is to me my dad says he doesn’t see it often in young couples but he can see the love that emits from our coexistence an that’s beautiful that he respects the man I love that he sees bits an pieces of himself an he sees partsof my ggrandfather which some girls wouldn’t understand an say is weird but the first men in your life you fall in love with its innocent an its a child like love ofssecurity and happiness but then there’s Chris his individual ways he is strong heartedand wise rto what he should an shouldn’t do he can see life for what it is an he is no fool his only flaw is beingso nice that the world around him takes advantage take this for a weakness an even doesn’t understand it an pushes it away he’s the most beautiful soul I’ve ever had in my life. I said I wanted to have his babies an thatis so true its been since the mmoment I said it. I knew he’d stay strong an stick with me because he wantes me to give himhis cchildren he wants to give me an our child everything he can an I am so grateful for all this love we have. I want him to be the very first person to hold this little life he’s helped me create because I was blessed with the opportunity to carry her for 9months I feel her movement an her life becoming reality more an more every day I am so lucky to have the opportunity to create life within me it has shown me just how beautiful I can be just how amazingly powerful I am to make a being to have created this tiny life that we will raise to be so beautiful an strong I feel her kicks an I look at my husband so grateful because he gave me what I needed for her to be possible. She’s a love child she’s the one that we let the universe hand us we did nothing but give each other all the love in the world and because of that she’s going to be something our lives have never seen she’s going to blow us away every day of her life. An I am so excited to see my love become an amazing dad he’s so tender hearted he’s so happy an so sweetto me. II’ve never felt so beautiful then now he’s always kissing me an just showing me how grateful he is with everything he does in life this man has 3 jobs works day in day out to provide for our family to ensure that our daughter will have this wonderful home to come to. He’s already such a great daddy im so happy that I left to California with him that day looking into his beautiful blue eyes an feeling so safe it has never ended looking to him for reassurance that life would be okay we have been through tough times together and i know that its not the end of them I am aware that life has ita ups an downs but with this amazing man by my side I know life will never be unbearable I know we will always have a place to lay our heads under a roof and have food in our bellies. I love thelife we have I llove everything about this world we have created. And i see just how important life has become to him how important I am to him an how determined he ia to give our daughter more then we had as children. I guess I needed someone who had been through equivalent or morw to me in life to respect an love them deeply because we connected on another level of some kind we both have felt utter disappointment an have felt so let down an hurt we both seen addictions an how they destroyed families the difference is I seen it all mend I was blessed with a happy ending my parents got back together by some amazing miraclethey got bback together when we all thought it’d never happen again. But him well he didn’t ever get that feeling back he still misses his family but the great thing is he is so accepting of me wanting to give him a new family it will never replace the family he grew up with an was separated from but he is still open to being apart of my dramatic crazy ass family its all dysfunctional an it surprises me he already loves them hes met them all an he’s seen the worst but he loves them an I can see they love him too. Im so happy to give him this child im so happy im having this baby I would never be a smart good loving selfless powerful women without going through this and at 22 im so happy an proud of our life together<333 my baby is going to be the coolestchick in aschool an rhe sweetest life to walk past anyone she’s going to brighten everyone who comes within her path life because she has me an her wonderful family around her to teach her how to love purely an how to just simply live life as freely as she pleases. My child will be a tiny little hippie like Tapenga from boy meets world only betterbbecause she’s ours to raise and im so excited to see this beautiful soul to meet who i’ve carried within for so long im so curious to who she is to who this little child will resemble. I can’t wait to see those tears of joy roll down my husband’s face when he sees her dor the first time an then see that same smile when she walks an receives that diploma or when she gets married I can’t wait to be a part of this new little souls life I see her in my dreams every night since she’s started to develop an I’m so excited to see if she will look the way i dream her to be or if it’s not even close to how beautiful she truly is <333

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my siblings are straight dog shit

Its getting to be so fucking ridiculous how everyone wants to be with me. I understand that if im in the wrong im in the wrong an i can admit that but my God how fucking full of yourselves do you have to be to not be able to admit im so sick of the fucking bullshit first off i lwt your lazy ass sleep in my home whenever you please run around an party smoke on my mans weed you throw down the most minuscule amount don’t say shit when momsgiving you money for food an your either buying fast food or drugs with it not giving a shit steadily you an your friends come into my home leave fucking messes an when i point it out you act as if nothing happened or it wasn’t you. But yet your so fucking grown you take care of yourself if that’s so then why in the fuck do my parents constantly have to send your spoiled rotten ass money mom an dad never fucking have to send me money and if they do i pay them back always have bitch wants to say she takes care of her fucking self HA!!!! No bitch your on your own with your parents an others taking care of your fucking ass. You live at my home for free surf around on your friends couches while your mommy an daddy fund you they pay for your food your clothes your school your fucking pills your weed your everything my parents NEVER paid for my fucking drugs an they haven’t paid for my clothes since i was 17 years old i do my own thing an i haven’t had to relay on mommy an daddy since ive turned 20 years old don’t fucking tell me how you take care of yourself you stupid rotten spoiled little collage cunt you look down upon others on a high horse thinking your oh so fucking magnificent when reality is you are no better then the dirt you fucking walk on you spoiled little bitch throw shit in my fucking face an act a little brat yeah sometimes i need help finding a fucking ride but other then that i take care of my own and even then i can have 5$ left to my name but ill give it up for gas money unlike you who finds ways around an fucking lies or says you’ll give gas an then don’t an its not my fault when people refuse my money im not going to force it because i don’t have much to give anyways. This is such bullshit im so sick of this little bitch thinking I’ve been sitting here talking shit like I’ve got nothing better to do then coming at me with the utmost disrespectan saying just out of the line bbullshit when all ive been doing is worrying about you an worrying that the way your acting is off because your fucked up ass decided to stop taking your fucking meds tell me im believing what others have said when your the one not coming straight to the sorce to find out whats going on your the one that if you wouldn’t have screamed an yelled at those very parents that gave you 100$ for your birthday turned around an bought you a car after you disrespected them got all prissy an pissed off because they didn’t give you more money you fucking self righteous little rotten cunt i hope you know the feeling of having absolutely nothing i hope the world knocks your ass so fucking far down thatrreality truly sets the fuck in you are nothing more then scum on this fucking earth you ungrateful little piece of shit. I once walked in that same self righteous path o sweetie i know how it is to THINK i was on my own an took care of myself when mommy an daddy still payed the fucking bills you stupid little child you have no fucking clue to how good life is for you an you have no idea how fucking hard life can be tell me when your up worrying all night because you DONT have a home or up all night because you have no idea when or if the bills will be paid tell me when your sleeping on the god damned beach floor because nobody is there for you. I blame nobody but myself i take responsibility for all my actions i do the best i can with what i have in life and you. You are a fucking disgrace to my mother you are a fucking SHAME to the caballero name you have no idea what it means to carry the burden of life you are so fucking free an so fucking sheltered you will never fucking realise unless you fall flat on your fucking face you are nothing but an egotistical piece of spoiled rotten dog shit just like your fucking brother. Stealing oh so proudly bragging about it laughing at your parents paying for your fucking bad habitsyou self rrighteous little bitch. FUCK YEAH I TOLD EVERYTHING YOU’VE DONE FUCK YEAH ILL BE THE SNITCH THIS TIME because i am absolutely sick of being walked on i am absolutely done with trying to be good to you an getting nothing but disrespect slapped in my fucking face you rotten little fucking cunt bitch. Ive done nothing to you. Even as kids always stuck up for you always tried my best to gwt along with you but you you must be jealous for what i have no idea or maybe you hate me maybe you just don’t like me i have no fucking idea what it is but i never tried to go ou t of my way to hurt you but you go out of your way to hurt me you spiteful little bitch an now mom an dad see the error of your ways mom an dad are no longer fools to your pitiful game you fucking play. You use your friends you use your family an you have no self respect. Yes i made mistakes yeah i fucked up in school be cause i would have rather been high on meth but i don’t deny it an im not proud of it but atleast im not sitting here living in the fucking past stuck in some depression because of my mistake no i stand tall an proud that i walked away when i did that i made a change an ive become so much of a better person i don’t lie to ANY FUCKING ONE about my past i ddon’t feel shame im human. I make mistakes but you lie to people about the past all the time you hide things an you act like things never happened. I covered for you. I stood up for you i even took the fucking blame for you. You want yo say mean hateful things to me an all i do is shake me head an have nothing but patience with you but at this point i want nothing to do with you. My tolerance of you an my brother are done the only time ill put up with you pieces of shit are when your wanting to be a part of my daughter’s life i wount stand in between my daughter an her family my differences have nothing to do with her an the both of you. But if you think for a second i will leave her alone with either of you your fucking idiots i want no sort if influence from you two to my child’s life i want her to be humble like her father an mother i want her to understand the TRUE meaning of life an her to respect others an the choices they make not judge not be ungrateful an i want her to understand when something is given you respect it even if what is given isn’t fucking materialistic. I see so much of who i used to be in you little sister i see so many mistakes that ive made being made in ny siblings i was once so egotistical so self righteous so stupid i was once so fucking careless and ungrateful but i met a man who taught me the error of my ways who showed me what life was truly about who helped me realise the things my mom an dad tried teaching me all the years of my life an i can finally say tonight that i am humbled by life i am selfless i will give my all for my family i will suffer while my family prospers i don’t have to have expensive things hell i don’t have to get a birthday present from mom an dad of an outrageous cash amount to know that they love me an they care for me im expecting nothing but a phone call telling me they love me an thought of me in the morning i once was like you. An im so angry because you fought with me about that exact thing you told me i was a ungrateful bitch. When you were and are no better before you judge someone else look in the mother fucking mirror because that was obviously all self reflection now i sit here wondering an so full of anger towards these two thinking how could they treat our loving giving parents this way how can they talk to the woman who gave up meals just so we could eat like this how can they treat the man who wears his body down day in day out all for this almighty dollar for the material posetions they so desperately need the cars the clothes will all that matter when our dads fucking crippled when he can no longer walk straight back hunched over like fucking quasimodo because he had to endure hard fucking labor to pay for your fucking car insurances take care if your selves my fucking ass!!!!!! You don’t even have to pay your own fucking phone bill. This must have all fallen into perspective for me because i am now seeing through the eyes of a mother an not the eyes of a child any more I pray the universe shows you reality fast because my mom an dad don’t deserve this shit an i sure the fuck dont deserve this stupid shit. I can’t stand these ungrateful pieces of shit